Nothing disrupts a night out like being made to pee in a cup. Luckily for me, I arrived about 20 minutes after what looked like some sort of army maneuver had taken place.

Saturday night, about 11 pm and six of us drove to a small club in Phuket Town. The club is nothing special and attracts only a few foreigners. Imagine my surprise, then, to have pulled up and seen about 30 army officers outside the front of the club, with countless flashing lights signaling that something strange was going on.

Calmly, I pulled up outside the front of the club, realizing that my friends had probably driven off at the sight of the officers. A couple of guys were sat wearing rubber gloves, no doubt testing the pee off the bemused partygoers inside the club.

What an utter waste of resources. The officers did a good job of standing around chatting before they drove off in their pickups. I understand that the local government wants to rid the island of drugs, but really, the problems related to drugs are out there on the street, not in tiny nightclubs where local bands and DJs play for students.

This type of drug testing still goes on in Bangkok, although not to the extent that it once did. I heard that one major nightclub was shut down and raided on New Year’s Eve. This disjointed, haphazard approach to drugs in the club scene is, however, sometimes seen in the UK, although it is rare and I don’t recall there even being urine samples taken.

The amount of attention the police (or the army) pay to a nightclub should depend on the type of club it is and the type of people who go there. Recalling my time in the UK, the clubs that were the known gang hangouts were raided often, while the clubs where everyone took drugs caused minimal problems and were, for the most part, left to set their own rules.

That isn’t to say that people were openly taking drugs (well, in some places they were), but clubs had their own rules and the people there understood that. There was, and is, no need for raids, except every now and then to remind clubbers that drugs are still illegal.

What are people’s thought on this matter? Are these drug raids necessary?

Culture One over the weekend was an enjoyable event. It was perhaps most memorable for three or four monologues delivered by David Morales towards the end of the night.

David Morales is an A-list DJ. He costs thousands of dollars to book and is universally respected. However, he made a fool of himself in Bangkok and I suspect he will never be invited back.

Picture the scene: He was DJing on a huge stage in front of several thousand people. As his set came to an end, he began rambling.

[Paraphrased] “Bangkok. This has been such an emotional moment for me. I have wanted to come here for many years and now I finally get to be here for you.”

He then began crying on stage.

“Bangkok. Do you love me?” he asked. What an ass. He then asked again, slightly louder. “Bangkok! Do you love me?”

It was the height of arrogance to ask a crowd of drunk clubbers if they loved him. My friend and I tried to heckle him from afar.

”We are here today because you do not have the radio or the press to support the things that I do.”

What is wrong with A-list DJs? They either arrive in Thailand and demand drugs or else come with ridiculous egos. This isn’t a new phenomenon, but it really underlines the fact that big-name DJs are, more often than not, jerks.

So who is going to be in Bangkok for Culture One next week? I sure as heck am. I’m looking forward to it immensely. Culture One is touted as Thailand’s first outdoor international dance-music festival. There have actually been outdoor festivals before, such as the Fridae parties in Phuket, but none quite on this scale.

Culture One will take place at BITEC, Bang Na on January 19. There will be four arenas. The main arena is the one to watch and it will feature David Morales and Stanton Warriors. There will also be an Amnesia arena and a Godskitchen arena.

The lineup isn’t particularly inspiring, but the whole event looks like being a lot of fun. There will be a Dude/Sweet arena featuring performances by the likes of Slur, so the indie kids will have somewhere to kick about.

Tickets are 650 baht in advance or 850 baht on the door. The event is sponsored by Bacardi, so this will probably mean that dirty rum is the only drink available. The show kicks off at 4 pm, 5 pm or 6 pm, depending on which website you visit. It’s supposed to finish at midnight – most likely there will be an after party somewhere.

This is new territory for Bangkok. Many readers here (Roger) will be reading this and thinking, “What the heck is this all about?” To those readers, I make an apology of sorts, but I’m excited about this event. I can’t tell you how much I need a holiday after working solidly on Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.

For anyone in Bangkok next weekend, drop me a line. Hopefully I’ll get to see Club 808 too.

I’m exhausted. Time to sleep.

If you’re in Patong this Friday, head straight to Seduction on Soi Bangla where Brandon Block will be DJing. Lil Louie Vega is booked for December 11 and Judge Jules will play January 16. Derrick May was all set to come but it looks like that gig has been postponed.

Meanwhile, at Club Lime on December 1, the day after Brandon Block, Jo Mills will be spinning. The week after it’s Octo from Bangkok.

To the best of my knowledge, Phuket has never had this many well-known DJs passing through in such a short space of time.

Gonna be a busy weekend.

Oh, and tonight I’m playing drum ‘n’ bass at Club Lime with Pichy from Bangkok.

The last time Coldcut played in Bangkok it was one of the busiest nights to grace Club Astra at RCA. You couldn’t move inside, let alone dance. For two years Astra was the club in Bangkok, hosting everyone from Carl Cox and Deep Dish to Shy FX and Goldie. I think we were all saddened when Club Astra closed its doors, but when the guys behind the club opened Club Culture on Sri Ayutthaya Road the void was filled.

The reopening and re-branding of Club Astra has been on the cards for a long time. At first it was all very hush-hush, but you can’t keep something like that quiet for long. Club Astra is set to reopen under new management. Club Astra is now called “808” and the venue looks set to shake Bangkok nightlife up a bit.

The pre-opening party is being held December 4 with the return of Coldcut, as well as a live performance by Montonn Jira and Joni Anwar as Katsue.

Looking at the opening weekend lineup of 808, it’s certainly going to get the club off the ground. The big event will be December 14 with three former members of the Invisbl Skratch Piklz playing out together. QBert, DStyles and Shortkut are three of the most technically-sound DJs on the planet. I will more than likely be making the trip up to Bangkok that weekend.

The big test will be whether 808 can roll from the first few months of big-name bookings to consistently filling the club week in week out. Astra struggled to draw crowds because Bangkok clubbers tend to only venture out for headline acts, often failing to support smaller promoters and DJs.

With the promise of a refit and a new sound system, there’s no way that 808 will fail unless it can’t build on those opening parties.

DJs forthcoming in the new few months include Laurent Garnier, Roc Raida, The Freestylers, DJ Craze, LTJ Bukem, DJ Fresh, Makoto and Darren Emerson. Many of these DJs have played in Bangkok in the past couple of years.

To book a free guestlist place for the Coldcut party visit this website.