I bought cigarettes today for the first time in I don’t know how long. After successfully quitting three months ago, or so I thought, I smoked three cigarettes on Friday just gone. It’s obviously nothing to do with a physical craving, but smoking seems to complement my mood at the moment. I’m not sure if I can fully articulate the state of mind I’m in today. I think the best way to describe it is that I feel like I want to change the world but I can’t figure out how. I’m kind of lost right now, which I suppose is fitting.

I just drifted to work today, almost floating from point A to point B without any acknowledgement of my surroundings. I was trapped within my own bubble beneath the realization that everything I see inspires me, but it doesn’t inspire me to actually do anything. The books I read, the people I meet, the songs I hear: It creates this uneasy melancholy that won’t identify itself.

I feel utterly reclusive from my surroundings within a sort of self-made seclusion. I just have this urge to be productive, which I think is why I want to study again. I don’t miss home other than the friends and family that are there; I don’t feel lonely because there are very few people I really want to talk to; and I don’t resent my life in any way; but there is something lacking, and it’s probably the same non-existent thing that I assumed I would find when I left the UK.

I’m going to buy Mario DS tomorrow and on Saturday I will catch a number of buses and see where I end up: I’ve wanted to do that since I arrived 19 months ago.