Does Bali have Southeast Asia's pushiest street sellers?
We've all been bleary-eyed and lost in an unfamiliar place while on holiday before. No number of guidebooks or podcasts or websites can ever mean a person is fully prepared for their vacation destination. And so it is that none of us can fully escape the pushy street seller, the chap peddling banal knick-knacks, the lady touting the cheapest damn massage this side of the Milky Way.
They come at you all smiles and over-familiar greetings. They radiate friendly warmth like an open fire on a frosty Christmas Eve. For a few bewildered moments, you bond with them, taken in by the joviality of the whole experience. You start thinking you might actually be in need of a new shell necklace or a fine pair of silver earrings.
But then reality smacks you plain in face with more force than a boisterous ensemble of shirtless Aussie tourists. You remember that you don't want a massage, there's no way you could get a crossbow through customs and henna tattoos look rubbish anyway.
The relationship then breaks down and you find yourself looked down on, ridiculed, verbally abused, spat on and belittled. They were only my friend because they wanted my money? The thought is too terrible to imagine. But there's no escaping this kind of scenario, especially in these three spots that spring to mind.
Khaosan Road, Bangkok, Thailand
For anyone who watches the movie The Beach and sees how Leonardo diCaprio arrives on Khaosan Road and in the space of a couple of days gets to drink snake's blood, smoke a spliff with Robert Carlyle and meet a pretty French girl, there is only disappointment at seeing the real thing.
The last time I was on Khaosan Road, I couldn't walk five metres without being pestered to sit down at a cocktail bar or visit some guy's Indian restaurant. Any time I did stop I found myself surrounded by men selling ginormous novelty lighters. How would I ever get that on a plane, huh?
Even more curious are the short women who walk around selling little wooden frogs that make a frog noise when you run a stick over their backs. Travellers who dine at outdoor restaurants are fair game for the frog women.
After about 11 pm, there is little else to do on Khaosan Road except drink and get harassed by the hordes of ladyboys that roam the streets in search of fresh meat.
Khaosan Road is a buzzing hive of jumbled confusion, but without it, there would be nowhere to put all the bamboozled backpackers.
Patong, Phuket, Thailand
Oh, you thought Khaosan Road was bad? Patong takes it up a few notches. It makes perfect sense: you're on holiday, you're relaxing with your friends or family, so the only sensible thing to do would be to buy a tailor-made suit. Of course.
It's not just the idea of buying a suit in Patong that is frightening — it's the tailors themselves, all smarmy and greasy. "Hey, my friend," they call out. But there is no escape because before you know it you see an outstretched hand come at you like some kind of mystical fishing hook that lures unsuspecting tourists.
Once they have your hand in a vice-like grip, there is no way out. You will either end up buying a suit or else be handshaked to death. You can't dodge the tailors because they're everywhere in Patong.
As with Khaosan Road, Patong has ladyboys, only there are millions of them and they don't wait until the witching hour to begin their stalking.
Patong is obviously not the place to go if you are in need of solitude. You can walk the length of Soi Bangla and expect to be offered everything from sex and cigarettes to noodles and novelty hats.
Bali, Indonesia
I love Bali. It's a fantastic place. But the persistence of people trying to sell you stuff is unbearable at times. Nowhere is this more evident than in Kuta, where it can feel as if everybody is trying to rip you off.
I remember trying to buy a socket adapter from a market stall. The seller tried to get me to buy his own adapter for about 20 times the price I found the same product in a supermarket. This chap would not give up and I ended up running away for lack of other ideas.
The market sellers are a nightmare. Even if you tell them in their native tongue that you aren't interested, they hound you to visit their shops and will chase you down the street. It's the resultant feeling of guilt that really bugs me. For a moment you start to think that you do indeed owe these people something. You should visit their shop and buy their goods.
Most remarkable of all, there were a few times in Circle K — the Balinese 7-11 — when it looked very much like the cashiers were trying to scam me. Normally the cashiers give you a receipt, but it happened a few times that they didn't and when I tallied the price of what I was buying, it was well below what I was asked to pay.
A few times I questioned this and it turned out extra items had mysteriously been scanned as well. So that would explain the missing receipts.
And heaven forbid you sit down for five minutes on the beach. In no time at all you will be swarmed upon by ladies offering massages and manicures, fellas selling crossbows, artists offering henna tattoos and so on. As soon as you engage in conversation with one of them, some kind of mystic signal is sent out and all the other sellers will come and join you.
So you get up and go for a walk only for every Balinese man within shouting distance to yell "Transport!" at you. Ah, lord help me.
For a while I thought it would be possible to escape the hounding. I travelled north to peaceful Ubud several times and while there was less pestering, there were moments when I was bombarded by women selling sarongs.
In Lovina in the north of the island, about as far away from Kuta as you can possibly get, it's just as bad and you can't get away from people offering transport, dolphin tours, jewellery and bakso.
Is there anywhere in Southeast Asia where the sellers are more pushy than in Bali? I'd love to be corrected.
