This is the first Lost Boy column that appeared in Guru Magazine in April 2006.

The Lost Boy has an aim, and that aim is to fearlessly delve into the crevice of confusion between the world of the Farang and the world of the Thai. From the point of view of a confused, bemused and occasionally abused Farang boy, each week the most pressing and concerning issues will be dealt with in an attempt to bridge some sort of understanding between all parties living in Bangkok. The vast array of things in this city that confuse our poor, lost boy can surely serve to help us understand each other better, or at least highlight the reasons why we are so startlingly different.

Obsession – a fragrance for a man or a woman

The Lost Boy sets out to discover what’s up with love in The City of Angels

‘I love you.’

The Lost Boy will never forget the first time that someone in Thailand told him they loved him. Three simple words can evoke such genuine feelings of joy in even the coldest and hardest of souls. As strange as it sounded at the time, it was still pleasing to hear, regardless of whether or not it was believed. There seemed to be no harm in it being said.

‘I love you.’

These, however, were most fickle times for a most fickle boy. It came to light that for whatever reason, these words are used all too frequently in Bangkok. Furthermore, they are used in such a way that is almost frightening, because when a Thai girl or boy says ‘I love you,’ no matter how bizarre the situation, it would appear that they genuinely mean it. At first one could be forgiven for thinking that these words were nothing more than idle threats, but in reality they seem to have some real significance.

One question that has for some time concerned this writer is this: how can so many people in Thailand fall in love so deeply, so fast and so frequently? Furthermore, what is it about this love that drives Thai people to become so utterly and helplessly obsessed with their victims? There is clearly a fascination with the Western man (and woman). Thai pop culture emulates and mimics that of the West, foreigners are stared at as if from another planet and, from time to time, fascination becomes infatuation which in turn becomes insane obsession.

Mobile technology – the blessing and the curse

The mobile phone is a great invention. It is hard to imagine life without one. In this day and age, it has become a lifeline and a means through which people can feel some security in their ability to maintain contact with the outside world. One useful feature of the mobile phone is the ability to monitor missed calls. If someone makes a call that is not received, the beauty of the missed call is that the recipient knows who has been calling. The recipient can then return the call at his or her own leisure. This would seem to set up a relatively straight forward relationship between caller and recipient. If this is understood, then where is the logic in placing anything from thirty five to sixty calls in the space of one hour, one after the other?

The point is this: when Thai people get a Western man or woman’s phone number, why must there always be this repetitive and monotonous routine bordering on hysterical obsession? It is a pleasant thing to feel wanted, but this has its limits and begins to become something of a nuisance as time goes on and the calls and messages continue to flood in exponentially. Thai people take note, that if a call goes unanswered, redialing an infinite number of times will only come across as displaying the characteristics of someone who is well and truly insane. It is a major turn off.

There seems to be an inane air of paranoia in Bangkok that makes the dating game something quite bizarre. On a recent night out, one source, who wishes to remain anonymous, received a stream of no less than thirty eight text messages sent over the course of the night. The messages came from a girl who had previously only been met twice, and in no great depth at that. The content of the messages ranged

from ‘I want you to come and meet me now’ to ‘I never want to see you again,’ in no strategic order. What drives someone to act so compulsively deranged, and what would drive someone amongst that barrage of confused messages to casually insert the three aforementioned words ‘I love you?’

‘I love you.’

It seems strange to think that Thai people can fall in love so easily, but, it would appear that that they can. Either that or they have devised what could be conceived as a clever ploy to draw foreigners into this odd world, unbeknownst to them that there really is no means of escaping these emotionally draining shenanigans. Surely true love cannot be felt in only a matter of hours. It seems that there is a difference in understanding of what love is between Thailand and the Western world. Whilst Thai people seem to take a rather simplistic approach to the idea of love, Westerners are quite the opposite, reluctantly falling in love after careful consideration of all the factors. Perhaps Thailand’s attitude towards love reflects some naïve nature of the national psyche. For the unwitting foreigner visiting Bangkok, this ability to fall in love is quite frightening, made all the more so by the extreme strangeness this love seems to incite in Thai people.

Dazed and confused with a dash of paranoia

When quizzed, someone close to The Lost Boy confirmed that Thai people are, in fact, extremely paranoid. The thirty five missed calls received from time to time can probably be attributed to a combination of confusion and fear as to why the recipient is not answering. Whereas in the West, one would either assume the person was busy or did not want to speak, this is not acceptable to a Thai citizen who will insist on continually redialing.

As if this was not all frightening enough, rejecting advances such as these can create even more bizarre situations. ‘Do you want me to kill myself?’ - A question so serious in its nature that it is quite disturbing to bring up, but the casualness with which these words are said is what really gets to this writer. Another unnamed source recently came into contact with a Thai girl who had previously threatened to kill herself and had cut herself numerous times with razor blades, all because of a foreigner she dated for less than three months. This is not to undermine that relationship, but the western boy decided the grass was greener, leaving the girl for another without showing any signs of dementia. The severe reaction to rejection is something that foreigners learn to fear. Perhaps this is why there are so many ex-pats in Bangkok: because they are too scared and confused to leave.

To find a Thai partner who is relatively ‘normal,’ if anyone can be normal, is akin to catching a leaping salmon with a spider’s web. Conversely, from the point of view of a Thai, finding a Farang partner who is caring and respectful enough is equally difficult. Despite these obvious problems, both Thai and Farang seem determined to keep this old tradition alive.

Sooner or later, both sides have to come to terms with the fact that Farang and Thai thought processes are very different. Something must be done to bridge the gap between lovers all over Bangkok. Use The Lost Boy’s handy tips for both parties, and with any luck, harmony levels in the city should be replenished and young love will be able to run free.

Top 5 tips for Thais dating a Farang:

1. Avoid excessive and premature usage of ‘I love you.’ Even if you feel it, do not say it until you are sure your Farang is mentally balanced enough to handle it.
2. Learn mobile phone control. Do not bombard our poor Farang with too many calls and messages. This will only scare him. Wait for him to call you back. If he doesn’t, under no circumstances should you threaten to kill yourself – threaten to sleep with his best friend instead.
3. If you are hell bent on tidying your Farang’s bedroom, make sure you do not do it too often. Once in a while, make the room really messy and then demand the Farang tidies it up. Keep him on his toes.
4. Make a point to force him to learn some Thai. There are too many dumb Farang walking around Bangkok who refuse to integrate themselves with the culture and as such communication can be a problem. Remind him he is a long way from home, and that speaking Thai is a real turn on, especially if you can teach him to talk dirty.
5. Avoid excess tears. Even if hearing that old Peacemaker melody brings back some haunting memories, or that little pug dog is just so cute, or you are just so happy to have found your soul mate, crying your little heart out at regular intervals will cause anxiety in your young, misguided Farang.

Top five tips for Farang dating Thais

1. Avoid sleeping around. The ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ approach will only result in hordes of deranged Thai girls turning up on your doorstep in floods of tears. If you must be a player, avoid letting on where you live and give out false phone numbers.
2. Watch your phone. Not only do the girls have a sixth sense as to who is calling or messaging you in the middle of the night, but they will scan your phone when your back is turned and delete anything in there that raises suspicion. Best buy another Sim card and keep it hidden (somewhere with a lock).
3. Learn to understand Thai. Try not to let on just how much Thai you know, this way you will understand the essence of ‘Nin Tha,’ or gossip, and get a better appreciation of what is happening around you.
4. Tell her she is beautiful. Thai girls can be very insecure; especially with all of the BS they have to put up with from Farang. Remember, Thai girls, no matter how strange, are only human.
5. Don’t make her angry. Thai girls are incredibly sensitive, and as such great care should be taken with delicate situations, or else you will be the next in the long tradition of Farang to receive a bottle to the back of the head.

The Lost Boy – here to help.