One man’s soap nightmare
This is so funny I actually cried when I read it. It’s an exchange between a guy staying in a London hotel and the staff of the hotel. The letters were sent to The Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today.
My instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid.
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention, Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman.
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager.
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?
All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman.
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
However, I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet, 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser, 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser, 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet, 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish, 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of the tub, 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of the tub, 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.
Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
November 22nd, 2007 at 6:10 am
Gold!
November 22nd, 2007 at 6:25 am
Well done Matt. Very very amusing. And what caps it all, is that anyone who has been confronted with a mindless and careless bureaucracy will understand how it can happen. Touches a deep nerve.
November 22nd, 2007 at 9:19 am
CRACKING !!
November 22nd, 2007 at 9:37 am
Ah, original material.
Personally I’ve found it advisable to keep anything that looks like it could be disposable in the room safe. Leaving notes to the effect “do not throw this away” has rarely any purpose, whatever the country.
November 22nd, 2007 at 9:48 am
Well I didn’t write the letters myself.
November 22nd, 2007 at 11:19 am
Didn’t say you did ;-). I was hoping it was a new anecdote fresh from a recent Sunday Times I could spam friends and family with, but then it occurred to me that it sounded strangely familiar…
Thinking about it, Japan is an exception to the rule, I remember leaving something on the floor once which was obviously to be thrown away, and returning to the room found it neatly folded on the table.
November 22nd, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Great story. That’s what you get when you start bothering about minor things like that.
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm
read here: The Saga of the Hotel Soap-Fiction!
what comes next? bonsai kitten?
November 22nd, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Hahaha. Well, it’s still funny, no matter how old it may be.
November 23rd, 2007 at 1:55 am
ha ha, funny…
November 23rd, 2007 at 3:24 am
How much time did this guy actually spend coining letters to hotel management??! Sounds like a born mischief-maker to me. Every hotel has its nightmare guest. Damn funny though.
I hear you about Japan, MountPenguin! Too drunk to bother cleaning up after a hard night’s bingeing with several mates, I once left the remains strewn about my Japanese hotel room floor. When I finally woke up about midday the maid had already come and gone. She’d done a truly inspiring job of sifting through the mess and creating two beautifully constructed piles: 1) stuff that I clearly wouldn’t want thrown away, and 2) stuff that she suspected I might want thrown away but she wouldn’t dare assume!
God knows what thought processes had gone through her head, but she was spot on! My mind boggled at the skill and dexterity with which the lass had assembled each pile.
She was a stunner too! Damn…maybe I shoulda married her!
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:33 am
As someone who’s worked in a hotel, this is neither entertaining nor noteworthy. These people are obviously just too busy trying to do their jobs (getting hundreds of rooms cleaned every day) and couldn’t give two shits about this guy’s soap.
January 23rd, 2008 at 1:24 am
This is from the book “A Hotel is a Place” from the mid 70’s
January 23rd, 2008 at 4:59 am
How come I never get any soap?
January 23rd, 2008 at 8:35 am
Did it not occur to the guy that not only do the maids have better things to do than rearrange hotel policy for him but that he could simply pick up the initial bars of soap and drop them in the trash can which I am sure was likely located mere inches below their relative location?
What’s the betting he doesn’t know how to tip either?
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:24 pm
This is boring and stupid. I stumbled here, but will be giving it a thumbs down in an attempt to prevent other stumblers from having to waste precious seconds of their life the way I did.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:20 am
Seems you’re in the minority, Phil.
January 24th, 2008 at 3:21 am
Haha, a funny story. Read this one over a year ago I think, but good to read again! When I read it the guy had “Dial” soap.
Oh well, slight variations over time.
January 24th, 2008 at 3:33 am
phil is tarded i enjoyed this story
January 24th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I’m with you Phil. I hate these fake, made up “funny” stories.
January 24th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Wow, I Stumbled here too Phil (using stumbleupon) and in my opinion this is funny no matter when it was first published or redone.
I am giving it a thumbs up.
. and Phil, by selecting thumbs down twice stumbleupon might list you as non voting.
.
.
Peace, Yo! From:JJdaCool
January 24th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Whether this is made up or not, its pretty funny, but if you’ve ever stayed in a hotel, you know how something like this could really happen. Room service can be a pain, no matter what country you’re in.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
same things happen to me every time I travel so I just throw out the unwanted soap every day and relax…
January 24th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I feel sorry for the poor maid that gets an incident report or complaint put in her file. They work for minimum wage and the job probably has few personal rewards. All for an idiots pettiness. How much harm has it done to this person position as people at his type of job can easily be replaced and she probably doesn’t have much options. Way to go.
January 24th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
What a dick. Why didn’t he just thrown his little Camays in the trash every time they put them in there? Would have saved a whole lot of cramped hands from writing so many notes.
January 26th, 2008 at 1:46 am
Quite amusing! I have been there… although 54 is a record I think…
If I am going to be in a hotel for an extended period I do like to bring my own Barr Soap. (http://www.barrsoap.com) I wouldn’t go to all the effort of writing a note however. I just usually leave them piled up and the maids get the hint and stop delivering them. It also annoys me when I do use the hotel soap that they toss out any open bar and replace it with a new one every day. I washed my hands a few times… the bar is perfectly fine. What a waste!
Amusing none the less…
January 26th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Take a bath and get over it, what a silly story.
January 27th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Lol!! I loved it! I feel sorry for the maids. Especially Kathy, who was now supposed to dust soap bars? Who dusts soap bars?! Although I have to laugh at S. Berman’s sarcasm, that was classic. Great stuff! Hilarious!
January 27th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Excellent!!
January 27th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
that actualy made Me Laugh
Good Post
January 29th, 2008 at 3:34 am
That’s funny! Obviously a work of fiction, because most of us would throw the extra soaps away.. or toss ‘em in the suitcase for later use..
Reminds me of a Frasier episode where the old man gets $10,000 placed in his account in error and each time he goes to try and rectify it they put another $10,000 IN.
Wish I had that problem!
January 30th, 2008 at 3:11 am
Wow, I did not Stumble here, but I used fechr.com (which is pretty cool). Obviously fictitious, but amusing just the same. Although, if I were in that situation and were in a position to blog it, I would probably do the same thing. I’m still laughing.
February 1st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Well, for all those people above who said “Why doesn’t he just throw them out?”, or something along those lines, I advise them to step back, and look at their lives. If people don’t want the soap, they could leave it untouched, or they could take it all, and donate it somewhere…a homeless shelter? Something that wold help? Just a suggestion. Perhaps, a person could call the hotel hotline and ask them to make their hotel eco-friendly, and only put in miniature soaps when a person requests them. That way they save the paper used to wrap the soap in.
February 3rd, 2008 at 7:11 am
I am a General Manager at a Hilton hotel, and this story is so funny. and more than likely true. our housekeepers are instructed to leave two bars of soap a day for all stay overs when they are providing service. we had a gust that stayed there once for 3 weeks, when he checked out he brought all the soaps to the front desk. funny story! poor guy.. glad he kept his soap safe though… lol
February 3rd, 2008 at 7:20 am
and bravo to terrapuella….. our hotel donates shampoos and soaps and lotions to the local homeless shelters all the time. most hotels now are going green and becoming as eco friendly as possible. support these hotels, but no reason to throw out perfectly good soap… lol
February 13th, 2008 at 6:18 am
BTW, I also stumbled here, and am also giving this a big thumbs down – the only thing funny here was your lame attempt at rebutting Phil
February 13th, 2008 at 7:17 am
I think you’re about two weeks too late, Dave.
February 13th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
So funny i enjoyed it so much,well for those that didn’t find it funny i have one thing to say happiness is a matter of decision.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Why not just find a different hotel? And maybe buy a new bar of soap? If the staff are morons, leave.
I would have.
February 18th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
#15 is the only worthwhile comment: just throw them away if you have a problem, you uptight fruitcake.
why did the intro to this say it’s “so funny I actually cried when I read it?” was this the first joke you’ve heard?
February 20th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I’ve come across this one more than a few times over the years, but never with the d-bag comments at the end. I was laughing until I read all of your drivel. Sometimes comments should be turned off. Funny story. Thumbs up from me.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:09 am
The soaps were ‘in your way’? Uh…why not just, say, push them aside?
February 28th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Oh my gosh! Too funny! Ok, might be fake but whatever. I love a good laugh and this had me in stiches. Thank you for posting it!
April 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
that was terrible, hardly funny
June 1st, 2008 at 6:52 am
This is an excerpt from the book “A Hotel Is A Funny Place” by Shelley Berman. I think it was published in 1974, or thereabouts. (And it’s very true — during my last hotel stay, the maid kept leaving me two new bars of soap per day right next to the stack of new, still-wrapped bars from the previous week…)
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/soap.asp
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:50 am
Absolutely great!
August 1st, 2008 at 10:39 am
Yes, I guess this was slightly amusing. It is nothing great, I don’t know what everyone thinks is so great about it!!!
October 28th, 2008 at 3:54 am
I am in tears! This is great!
January 21st, 2009 at 6:10 am
This is from the book “A Hotel is a Place†from the mid 70’s
January 21st, 2009 at 6:12 am
I am in tears! This is great!
February 20th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
wow
thank you for your great post there
March 11th, 2009 at 1:34 am
I think you’re about two weeks too late,
March 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I laughed so hard a bit of wee came out. Really cheered me up on a miserable Thursday mroning in not so sunny Cambridge.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hope you have some soap to clean yourself…………..SParky22
May 13th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
LOL….best laugh I’ve had for ages
June 24th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
LOL this is effing hilarious!
“”In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?”"
I want to be able to use this quote someday!
July 10th, 2009 at 9:41 am
lol this is funny
but what i want to know is what happens to the little soaps each day? because when i go to a hotel they take the soaps and replace them so where do the used soaps go?