Patong beach is a curious place. It had been close to a year since my last visit so I decided to see what was up, and sure enough, it hasn’t changed much. There are still the bars, massage parlours and throngs of tourists. Really it’s just parasols and rubbish. Some friends of mine who visited Phuket last year said that it was like Weston-super-Mare. I think it’s a bit harsh to base judgment of a whole island on a few shoddy beaches, but I can see what they meant, even if they weren’t referring to Patong.

Getting to Patong is simple. The easiest way is to head to Thanon Ranong in Phuket Town and catch one of the many buses that will ferry you to the beach for 20 baht. Thanon Ranong is also where you can find buses to Phuket’s other seaside hotspots. The journey to Patong beach is around thirty minutes.

I arrived at Patong beach and walked from end to end, day dreaming and thinking of lamb chops. A number of times I was asked if I’d like a massage. I politely declined but decided to sit outside a massage parlour with a few girls and a couple of ladyboys to see what went down. As soon as they realised I didn’t have any money they stopped asking me questions and just let me be. One of the girls told me that they only service around fifteen clients a day. One client, a cheerful old man who didn’t take much persuading, promptly arrived and followed one of the ladyboys into the back.

I noticed that some people were regarding me like I was some sort of street urchin, sat next to a group of busty vixens as I was. I chose to ignore this and sat peacefully for a couple of hours. The highlight of the day for those girls was whenever someone actually acknowledged them. Most people tended to walk head down as fast as they could for fear of being greeted by the rowdy girls. It was as if there was some sort of shame in even making eye contact.

I took a walk up and down Patong’s “Walking Street” (Bangla Road it is very similar to Pattaya’s signature strip of clubs and bars) and considered staying until nightfall but though better of it. Patong is the center of tourism on Phuket and it has essentially been colonised by Europeans. I spoke to a couple of touts who told me it was low season, but the place still seemed pretty busy to me.

For all that people say against the place, the beach at Patong is perfectly acceptable; I have seen far worse. There are plenty of places to eat and if you want a night out you’ll be able to find somewhere to go. Patong beach is an open kind of place, which also gives it a dangerous edge. I wouldn’t want to be drunk there on my own. Where there is open nightlife (and lots of it) there will be crime, swindling, guns, etc. Provided you keep your nose clean, there is nothing wrong with a trip to Patong. Most people seem offended that it’s so crowded and touristy, but that’s how Patong beach presents itself. If you go there expecting to find paradise then you haven’t read your guidebook (unless you happen to be gay, in which case Paradise Complex might be to your liking)

Patong beach doesn’t take itself serious and neither should we. Just enjoy it for what it is.

Techno’ tags: Thailand, Phuket, Patong